Grief is a natural reaction we have after the loss a loved one. Grief is difficult to understand and no amount of description can truly describe the emotions someone goes through. Grief is difficult for everyone to cope with, but be assured that is does get easier over time.
Grief is deep intense sorrow that is caused by someones death. It effects our mind, body and soul, and can feel like the lowest point in your life, with the world around you seeming to change beyond recognition. The more we loved a person, the stronger the grief could be. Grief effects us in different ways, and whilst there is no easy way through it, understanding grief and gaining support can help you through the healing process.
You may experience very strong first reactions. This may begin with shock, which can make you feel numb with disbelief. This numbness provides emotional cushioning from being overwhelmed straight away. The reality of the loss may not penetrate for some time.
Everyone experiences grief in there own unique way. Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross describes stages of grief in her book ʻOn Death and Dyingʼ (1969). The stages can be loosely applied to the grief process many people experience. These stages include:
Denial – "This can't have happened, not to me." Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual, and is generally replaced with heightened awareness of what has just happened.
Anger – "Why? It's not fair!" Once in the second stage, the individual recognises that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage, envy, resentment, and jealousy.
Bargaining – "I will give anything if..." The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow bring back or change what happened, visualising aspects they could have had done differently, changed, or wished they had done.
Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything, why go on?" During this stage, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend periods of the time crying and physically grieving.
Acceptance – "It's going to be okay." In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with the death of their loved one.
Grief affects our whole being in many ways. It does not just effect our emotional sate, but can additionally manifest physical, social, and behavioral problems. Physically you may experience shortness of breath, chest pains, abdominal pains, headaches, or nausea. You may feel hyperactive or under active. You could have a change in appetite, weight, feelings of fatigue, or experience sleeping problems.
In social environments, interacting with others you may be overly sensitive or withdrawn. You may want to avoid others or have a lack of initiative or interest. Your normal state of behavior may have a drastic change in any given moment related to the emotional and physical changes taking place internally. It may be hard but you must seek help as some symptoms can be harmful to your wellbeing.
As grief effects us all in unique ways, there is no set period of time your grief will last. Some people may grieve for a few months, for others it could be years. The closer your relationship was with the deceased, the longer you may grieve. You must be assured that after your initial state of grieving, moment by moment, day by day, it does become easier to cope over time.
Children and teenagers may deal differently with grief than adults. This can be hard for adults to understand when they still want to go out, hang with their friends, or play with their toys. They need their life and routine to remain as normal as possible. Remember even though some children and teenagers may not appear to have been effected by the loss of someone, it can still be hard for them. Support them, spend time with them, answer their questions, and let them handle the grief in their own unique way.
Grief is one of the toughest journeys we go through in life. Grief does not fit any set of rules, emotions, symptoms or timeframes. Your grief is personal to you and although no one else knows exactly how you are feeling, people around you understand that it is hard, and offer support where they can. One of the best things you can do is reach out for support and express your feelings. Even though it may not feel like it at the time, know on the other side of your grief, you will still have a life to appreciate and enjoy.
When someone close to you has suffered the loss of a loved one, it can be difficult to know exactly what to do, say, or feel around them. It is natural to want to help but feel unsure as to what you can do. You do not need to share their grief, but it helps to understand that it can affect them emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Some people may find it difficult to live through even the simplest of daily tasks, so helping with meal preparation or cleaning their house can be a good start. Some people may look and act normal on the out-side but be suffering internally, so reaching out and assuring them you are available just to talk can be a good idea. You cannot heal them but you can support them as they heal. It is important that you watch out for serious symptoms that can affect the persons health like malnutrition, abuse, and chronic depression that can lead to talk of suicide. Ensure you seek professional help if any of these symptoms are evident.
It is a good idea to offer extra support around dates like birthdays, anniversaries or holidays when they may experience waves of additional grief that they could find extra hard. Sometimes you may feel guilty for wanting to carry on with your own life instead of helping, but just know that every little bit of support makes a difference. It can also be very draining on yourself supporting someone through grief so remember to keep yourself healthy. It can take a significant period of time so be patient, try to provide ongoing love and support as they work through the grieving process.
If you or someone you know is grieving it is importing to seek support not just from family and friends, but professionals, community groups, and help lines. These could include: your doctor, social workers, counselors, faith leaders, family support agencies, hospitals, and community centres.
